Well hello there, old friends. I think it's about time to start this thing up again.
Tomorrow, (well, later today) I will be leaving to begin an internship with the non-profit internship To Write Love on Her Arms. If you haven't heard of them (although if you're on my blog, chances are you have) here's a link to their website so you can get to know a little more about them. http://twloha.com/vision/
It's very fitting that I would log back onto this dusty old blog tonight, as the last "real" post I made on here was the night before I left for South Africa (I don't count the last two posts as "real" since I copied them from word documents, just in case you were wondering). Boy did I need to read that. Just like last time, I'm up way too late the night before I leave, unable to sleep due to a mix of excitement, terror, and sadness.
Just like last time, emotions are hard for me to show. And unfortunately this complicates goodbyes. As soon as that door closes and I start to drive away, my brain goes into overdrive thinking of everything I had wanted to say, needed to say, or even things that it would have been hilarious if I had said. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with goodbyes in this way, and if you're like me, you're often left with a sense of dread as you leave, replaying the goodbye over and over in your head, thinking about how you could have made it more meaningful. However, I have learned the hard way that things often are left unsaid. And sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to trust others enough to be confident they know how I feel about them through my actions as well as my words. Just because I didn't say everything I felt like I should in a certain moment does not discount months or even years of friendship. I am a perfectionist, and it bothers me when things don't go exactly how I want them to. But I'm learning to trust those I love enough to begin to let this go. And hey, if I find I left out something really important, technology is always there to help me get in one last word.
While I am scared to leave my home, my support system, and even the state I've been in my whole life, I am also ridiculously excited for this opportunity. I have wanted to work with TWLOHA since I heard of them, and by some amazing alignment of the stars, I am finally getting my real chance. So with this mindset, I will pull out an old trick of mine and set some goals for myself. Shockingly enough, a lot of these goals are the same ones I set for myself before leaving for South Africa. Can't tell if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a weird thing, but what of it. Here we are:
1. Be in the moment.
There are so many things that I could distact me during this trip. I will be so ridiculously homesick, but I know the ones that love me would not want to wasting time thinking about how much I miss them when I'm living it up in Florida. They would want me to really experience what's happening as it's happening. They will be waiting with open arms when I get back.
2. Ask for what I want.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to want something. Chances are I'm going to need to be a bit selfish at times to ensure I'm taking care of myself. I want to get better at being okay with this.
3. Don't cover up what I'm feeling.
There's going to be a lot of heavy stuff on this trip. I tend to run from heavy feelings. I usually cover them up as to not get in to way of anyone else. I don't want to do this anymore. My fellow interns will be my support group. They need me to need them, as much as I need to be there for them.
4. Take initiative.
This internship is really going to be what I make it. And I want to take active steps to make it great.
5. Make connections.
Not only with my fellow interns, but with those working in the organization. I want to really help this organization grow, and getting to know those who run it can help me do that.
6. Keep an open mind.
I'm leaving my comfort zone, and chances are I will encounter a lot of people with different ideas than me. It's okay to not agree with everyone on everything, what matters is how these differences are handled.
7. Learn about non-profits.
I might one day want to start up my own non-profit. This trip is giving me an opportunity to work in a national non-profit organization. What I learn here will really help me accomplish this goal later in life.
8. Have fun.
This seems simple, but sometimes we all need a reminder.
9. Be open to change.
Change is scary. This trip has the potential to change so many things about me. I don't want to shut that out.
10. Watch a sunrise. And a sunset.
The world is beautiful. And what is more beautiful than the colors of the sun rising and setting?
As with the last post, I will end with a poem. This time by a different poet, but one of my favorites. I come back to this one when I start to feel like I'm missing something. It reminds me I'm not the only one who feels this. I want to take this opportunity with my internship to let others know I've felt it too, and they are not alone. Ladies and Gentleman, Buddy Wakefield:
"Listen, I know there were days you wanted to die
when the sky was so clear
you’d stand obnoxious underneath it
begging for stars to shoot you
just so you could feel at home.
I know about the ways you misplaced all the right words,
stockpiled every important social cue you ever missed
from the first time you learned you were wrong,
waited to make it right
once everyone stopped watching.
I know you let them beat up your beauty in bed
because redemption was still alive in you, howling relentless, gathering strength.
Felt like ecstasy when they pounded it out of you in the hard dark.
Those days of dead weather
got all strung together
and they spoke for you,
wore you down to telling everyone here it was a good life
so you could run back into the wails of your windfight.
I know the parts of your past that haunt you the most
are the days you weren’t being yourself,
and I know that’s why most of your past haunts you.
There were so many who found you out,
and they were right.
You were good.
So
un-
numb.”
*I intern at TWLOHA. Everything here, however, is my personal opinion
and is not read or approved before it is posted. Opinions, conclusions
and other information expressed here do not necessarily reflect the
views of TWLOHA.*
