here we go again.

Well hello there, old friends. I think it's about time to start this thing up again. 

Tomorrow, (well, later today) I will be leaving to begin an internship with the non-profit internship To Write Love on Her Arms. If you haven't heard of them (although if you're on my blog, chances are you have) here's a link to their website so you can get to know a little more about them. http://twloha.com/vision/

It's very fitting that I would log back onto this dusty old blog tonight, as the last "real" post I made on here was the night before I left for South Africa (I don't count the last two posts as "real" since I copied them from word documents, just in case you were wondering). Boy did I need to read that. Just like last time, I'm up way too late the night before I leave, unable to sleep due to a mix of excitement, terror, and sadness. 

Just like last time, emotions are hard for me to show. And unfortunately this complicates goodbyes. As soon as that door closes and I start to drive away, my brain goes into overdrive thinking of everything I had wanted to say, needed to say, or even things that it would have been hilarious if I had said. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with goodbyes in this way, and if you're like me, you're often left with a sense of dread as you leave, replaying the goodbye over and over in your head, thinking about how you could have made it more meaningful.  However, I have learned the hard way that things often are left unsaid. And sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to trust others enough to be confident they know how I feel about them through my actions as well as my words. Just because I didn't say everything I felt like I should in a certain moment does not discount months or even years of friendship. I am a perfectionist, and it bothers me when things don't go exactly how I want them to. But I'm learning to trust those I love enough to begin to let this go. And hey, if I find I left out something really important, technology is always there to help me get in one last word. 

While I am scared to leave my home, my support system, and even the state I've been in my whole life, I am also ridiculously excited for this opportunity.  I have wanted to work with TWLOHA since I heard of them, and by some amazing alignment of the stars, I am finally getting my real chance. So with this mindset, I will pull out an old trick of mine and set some goals for myself. Shockingly enough, a lot of these goals are the same ones I set for myself before leaving for South Africa. Can't tell if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a weird thing, but what of it. Here we are:

1. Be in the moment.
There are so many things that I could distact me during this trip. I will be so ridiculously homesick, but I know the ones that love me would not want to wasting time thinking about how much I miss them when I'm living it up in Florida. They would want me to really experience what's happening as it's happening. They will be waiting with open arms when I get back.

2. Ask for what I want.
It's okay to need help. It's okay to want something. Chances are I'm going to need to be a bit selfish at times to ensure I'm taking care of myself. I want to get better at being okay with this.

3. Don't cover up what I'm feeling.
There's going to be a lot of heavy stuff on this trip. I tend to run from heavy feelings. I usually cover them up as to not get in to way of anyone else. I don't want to do this anymore. My fellow interns will be my support group. They need me to need them, as much as I need to be there for them.

4. Take initiative. 
This internship is really going to be what I make it. And I want to take active steps to make it great. 

5. Make connections.
Not only with my fellow interns, but with those working in the organization. I want to really help this organization grow, and getting to know those who run it can help me do that.

6. Keep an open mind.
I'm leaving my comfort zone, and chances are I will encounter a lot of people with different ideas than me. It's okay to not agree with everyone on everything, what matters is how these differences are handled.

7. Learn about non-profits.
I might one day want to start up my own non-profit. This trip is giving me an opportunity to work in a national non-profit organization. What I learn here will really help me accomplish this goal later in life.

8. Have fun.
This seems simple, but sometimes we all need a reminder.

9. Be open to change.
Change is scary. This trip has the potential to change so many things about me. I don't want to shut that out.

10. Watch a sunrise. And a sunset.
The world is beautiful. And what is more beautiful than the colors of the sun rising and setting?

As with the last post, I will end with a poem. This time by a different poet, but one of my favorites. I come back to this one when I start to feel like I'm missing something. It reminds me I'm not the only one who feels this. I want to take this opportunity with my internship to let others know I've felt it too, and they are not alone. Ladies and Gentleman, Buddy Wakefield:

"Listen, I know there were days you wanted to die

when the sky was so clear
you’d stand obnoxious underneath it
begging for stars to shoot you
just so you could feel at home.

I know about the ways you misplaced all the right words,
stockpiled every important social cue you ever missed
from the first time you learned you were wrong,
waited to make it right
once everyone stopped watching.

I know you let them beat up your beauty in bed
because redemption was still alive in you, howling relentless, gathering strength.
Felt like ecstasy when they pounded it out of you in the hard dark.
Those days of dead weather
got all strung together
and they spoke for you,
wore you down to telling everyone here it was a good life
so you could run back into the wails of your windfight.

I know the parts of your past that haunt you the most
are the days you weren’t being yourself,
and I know that’s why most of your past haunts you.
There were so many who found you out,
and they were right.
You were good.

So
un-
numb.” 



*I intern at TWLOHA. Everything here, however, is my personal opinion and is not read or approved before it is posted. Opinions, conclusions and other information expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of TWLOHA.*

Community

All throughout my life, I had heard people speak of community. It seemed to be a cavalier term thrown around to describe various groups of people in certain situations. My church was a community, my classroom was a community, and my neighborhood was a community. I had no idea what the word really meant.

The first time I was able to experience a real community was my junior year of high school. I was fortunate enough to be selected to be a part of the Spring Break internship program though To Write Love on Her Arms. I was beyond excited to have the chance to work with an organization that I was so passionate about. On the second night of the internship, we were asked to share our stories. I considered myself to be a pretty private person. The thought of sharing my life with a room full of relative strangers was terrifying to me. Then the first intern began to share. I was in awe at how honest they were being. If this person had the bravery to share their story, why couldn’t I? As more and more people began to share I became increasingly nervous. I knew that eventually it would be my turn. While participating in the task was not mandatory, I felt that it was something I needed to do. At this point in my life, I was going through a dark time. I had begun to withdraw from those around me. I could tell that if I kept it up, things would become increasingly difficult for me. By now, my nerves were starting to show. We took a short break, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I began to cry and blurted out to the group around me how scared I was to share. Instantly, I was comforted with hugs and words of encouragement. I was reassured that I did not need to share if I didn’t want to, but if I felt like it was something I needed to do, those around me would be there to hold my hand through it, both literally and metaphorically. After the break I decided it was my turn to share. Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I told that group of people things that I hadn’t even told my best friend. I spoke until my tears made me stop. When I couldn’t speak anymore, the intern director who was sitting next to me wrapped their arms around me and held on tight. I could literally feel the love and acceptance of those around me radiating into the room. I had shared my darkest moments with a group of people I had just met and was met with unconditional love and support. It was then that I knew what true community felt like.

After this experience, I went home changed. I knew what community felt like and strived to bring this feeling of unconditional acceptance into my everyday relationships. This experience taught me that the first step to community is honesty. I began to be more honest with my friends and family, and encouraged them to be honest with me as well. Once I began to open up to people, I saw my relationships start to change. I became closer with my friends and family and started to bring the feelings of community that I shared with my fellow interns back home. Being able to experience community through my internship truly changed my life for the better.

Why I Support TWLOHA

As some of you know, I was recently accepted in to To Write Love on Her Arms' Spring Break Internship program. Because of that, I wanted to share the story of how I got involved with TWLOHA with all of you. Enjoy. :)

I first heard about TWLOHA at a Switchfoot concert when I was in 8^th grade. Jon Forman was wearing a title shirt, and like many others, I assumed TWLOHA was a band. After the concert, I went home and looked up TWLOHA on Myspace. I read Renee’s story and was moved to tears. A family member of mine had recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I was struggling to adjust to the changes this meant for my family. Although my family is very accepting and loving, not everyone reacted to the diagnosis’s well. Although I was not the one with the diagnosis, I was able to see firsthand the stigmas and difficulties that were put upon people I loved. Hearing that there was a national movement dedicated to bringing awareness and support to issues that affected me so personally was life changing. As soon as I heard about the organization, I knew I needed to get involved. I started talking about the organization with whomever I met. The idea of community, second chances, and being okay with not being okay was something that spoke so deeply to me, I wanted everyone else to know about it as well. The first opportunity I had to work with TWLOHA was the Spring Break Internship program in 2008. I was a junior in high school and my parents had recently gotten divorced. After the divorce, I became depressed and anxious and withdrew into myself, shutting out those that I loved. The blogs on TWLOHA were one of the only things that kept me going. I wanted to be as close to the organization as I could be. Even though I was young, I applied to the Spring Break program and to my amazement was accepted to join the program and spend a week in Florida with the TWLOHA team. I honestly believe that this experience saved my life. For the first time in my life I was able to completely honest with my fellow interns and experience community. I opened up to them about what I was going through and experienced healing like I never thought was possible. At a time when I thought all was lost, I was supported through TWLOHA in a way that made me want to keep living. TWLOHA saved my life, and I want to do everything in my power to continue TWLOHA’s mission and help save the lives of others like me.

The night before.

I am leaving tomorrow morning. The immensity of what I am about to do is just now beginning to hit me. The longest I have ever been away from my home is two weeks. The farthest I've ever ventured is the Bahamas. I will be spending 7 weeks over 10,000 miles away from where I've been my whole life. Holy shit.

I think having to say goodbye to my loved ones is what started my realization. I'm not one for crying, but I definitely shed some tears driving back to Mukilteo after saying goodbye to my Bellingham friends. Some of whom I will probably never see again. I know that it sounds stupid and cliche to tell you all how I cried on my drive home, in the rain no less, while belting along with Taylor Swift, but trust me, this is not something I do very often. When I cry, I mean it.

So many people have come into my life and leaving them-if only temporarily-has turned out to be quite traumatic. I've made some tight bonds with some beautiful people this year. People that I see still being around far into my future. Even though most of these goodbyes are temporary, they are still painful. Some of these goodbyes, however, will be for much longer. I will not have the summer to enjoy times with my friends that are graduating and moving on with their lives, and this breaks my heart. I really might not ever see them again. Honestly, that terrifies me.

And then the Mukilteo goodbyes. I won't get to spend the summer with my best friend as I have done for years, and I will be away from my family for longer than I ever have before. I know that they are all so happy that I have this amazing opportunity, but I wish I could bring them all along with me. I will miss them with all that I am.

But that's enough sad stuff. I'm going to South Africa tomorrow. I will be building houses. I will be zip lining through jungles. I will be interning in a non-profit that is making a real difference in a population that needs them. I will going on a freaking safari. I'll be bungee jumping off of a bridge higher than the space needle. I will be doing countless other things that I don't even know about yet that will be wonderful, exciting, and life altering. That being said, I have decided to set some goals out for myself on this trip. And I thought I would share them on the internet. Because, hey, dosen't everyone want to know my inner thoughts?

1. Be in the moment.
There are so many things that I could distact me during this trip. I will be so ridiculously homesick, but I know the ones that love me would not want to wasting time thinking about how much I miss them when I'm living it up in South Africa. They would want me to really experience what's happening as it's happening. They will be waiting with open arms when I get back.

2. Bungee jump.
I am terrified of heights. But I will have a chance to jump off of a bridge higher than the space needle. When will that ever happen again?!

3. Don't cover up what I'm feeling.
There's going to be a lot of heavy stuff on this trip. I tend to run from heavy feelings. I usually cover them up as to not get in to way of anyone else. I don't want to do this anymore. My class will be my support group. They need me to need them, as much as I need to be there for them.

4. See a lion.
If I don't see a lion on this safari, I'm going to be quite upset.

5. Make connections.
Not only with my classmates, but with those in the community. I want to really help this community, and I cannot do that without getting to know those who inhabit it.

6. Take enough showers.
I recently heard that there are huge spiders in the showers where we are staying. I don't do spiders. But showers are very necessary.

7. Learn about non-profits.
I want to start up my own non-profit. This trip is giving me an opportunity to work in a grassroots non-profit organization. What I learn here will really help me accomplish this goal later in life.

8. Have fun.
This seems simple, but sometimes we all need a reminder.

9. Be open to change.
Change is scary. This trip has the potential to change so many things about me. I don't want to shut that out.

10. Watch a sunrise. And a sunset.
South Africa is beautiful. And what is more beautiful than the colors of the sun rising and setting?

So to sum it all up, this is a huge trip for me, and I am scared. I am so scared, but I'm not going to let that stop me. In the words of the ever wise Anis Mojgani,

"So grab the world by its clothes pins
And shake it out again, and again
And jump on top and take it for a spin
And when you hop off, shake it again
For this is yours
Make my words worth something
Make this not just another poem that I write
Make it like its heavy about us all
And walk into it, breathe it in
Let it crash through the halls of your arms
Like the millions of years, of millions of poets
Coursing like blood
Pumping and pushing, making you live
Shaking the dust
So when the world knocks at your front door
Clutch the knob tightly, and open on up
Run forward into its wide spread greeting arms
With your hands before you
Your fingertips trembling
Though they may be"


My fingertips are trembling. But that won't stop me :)

Hello world :)
Follow my blog if you want to see my adventures in South Africa. I will be posing as much as I can to keep everyone in the loop. Enjoy!